Blog Catalog is hosting a fabulous initiative called ‘Blog Against Abuse’, whereby participating bloggers dedicate their posts today, September 27th, to some type of abuse.

Well, that certainly leaves the field wide open – doesn’t it?  There is so much abuse in the world today!

I’ve chosen to blog about something a bit overlooked, underestimated and even ignored – Emotional Abuse.

At the end of today’s blog, there are some resources and common warning signs to look out for - as described by the professionals.  For now, this is my personal take on emotional abuse as I’ve witnessed first hand.  Hopefully I can present it in a way that you can relate – especially if you’re on the fence about your own situation!  Bear in mind that I do not claim to be an expert or have documented proof. Other than the resources located at the end, all I have for you is personal experience and examples.

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This is a very real problem, especially for a single mom.  Out of the blue, you find yourself back in the dating world, such as it is today.  (Like it was easy the first time!)  You are not only faced with the task of finding someone you’re compatible with, but with your children as well.

For single moms, I would have to say this is probably a green light for emotionally abusive guys!  This is a means to control you.  They will remind you that they accept your children, and perhaps even go so far as to remind you that most men would not!

Unfortunately, a lot of single moms have financial issues as well – another ‘kick me’ sign on your back.  These guys will promise to ease your financial woes – but only if you meet their needs and demands.  Otherwise, you are on your own and we wouldn’t want that – would we?

Regardless of the fact that you have your children, home, yard, work, obligations and personal interests, these types of men will attempt to control your time.  They will be outraged that you don’t reorganize your priorities to suit them!  - All the while touting their tales of ‘understanding’ and ‘empathy’.  They don’t want to help you cut grass, run errands, wash the car, but they don’t want you to do it either – at least not on their time!

When you do spend time together, they like to make the plans and see that they are carried out – with no regard or understanding that children can render days of planning null and void with one little sneeze or cough!

They will take steps to restrict your mobility – perhaps insisting to use their vehicle, regardless of the inconvenience.  If you feel trapped – you probably are!

They will limit your phone access to others, sometimes using timing or long distance issues to their advantage.  I’ve found it best to have your own cell phone. Don’t rely on your kids or babysitter being able to get through on his phone – it’s probably shut off!

They won’t appreciate your family or welcome them.  Interaction with family members will be minimal and rehearsed – nothing too involved or friendly.  Your family is only a means to an end – YOU!

Also watch for men that don’t like your friends.  They tend to imply that they aren’t good friends or that they are taking advantage of you in some way!  They will also impede your relationship(s) with church family and friends!

They will go out of their way to ‘check up’ on you.  Perhaps driving by the dentist’s office or grocery store to validate your ‘story’!

They will monitor you as well, requesting that you call upon your return home in order to let them know the results of your exam or that you got home safely.  (This is really only a means of monitoring your comings and goings.)

They like to tell you what to wear, how to fix your hair and whether or not to wear make-up.  They will insist you wear something ‘they like’ regardless of how you feel in it.  They will deter you from doing things that make you feel good about yourself, gain confidence or look good, such as exercise, dieting, tanning, a new hairstyle, etc.

Also common is ‘the list’.  The list of ‘things I’ve done for you’ so now you owe me!  You don’t owe them anything!  Friends, boyfriends, significant others should be doing kind and considerate things for you because it’s right – not for leverage!  And in return, your relationship should be healthy to a point where you just naturally show kindness and consideration in return!

I would have to say from personal experience, that the slyest tactic would be the criticism.  Rather than obviously disagree with your choice of obligations or plans, they will make snide remarks.  Often demeaning and belittling those things most important or dear to you.  Especially fulfilling or meaningful stuff – church, charities, school, girlfriends in need, etc.

They will use your fear of being alone to control you – they assume that you would rather take what they dish out than to be alone, raising your children by yourself!  With the same token, they will use your hopes and dreams against you - promising to help you fulfill them, when/if they get their way.

Personally, I think that the main source of Emotional Abuse is the control.  These types of men are insecure themselves and have to control situations, circumstances and people in order to feel of value.  They have an ‘all about me’ mentality.  Every conversation, argument, discussion will ultimately revolve around them, how the events affect them.  If you were unable to answer the phone – you were intentionally ignoring them.  If you were tired or worn out – you’re attempting to elude them.  If you need to work or run errands – you’re avoiding them.

Most importantly, what I’ve learned is, you cannot fix this.  If you are anything like me, you will think that because you are trustworthy, kind, loving and have good intensions, that you can help this person through their insecurities.  You can’t.

This type of relationship will only drain you of any self-esteem, virtue, faith, hope or motivation you have.  Everything is always your fault. You are always explaining yourself and defending yourself - to a point where finally you aren’t even you anymore!  You are the ‘you’ that they want you to be!

I would also recommend, that if you are dating someone that exhibits these symptoms, please, please get out!  It might be hard, it might be scary, but you do not have to settle for someone who manipulates and controls you (or your children).  Their control over you will only increase.  Yeah, it might get better - but it probably won’t.  When I had to make this decision, I spoke with friends, abuse victims, and professionals - everyone told me the same thing.  It will more likely escalate than improve.  Please don’t be a statistic.  Be a victor over your circumstances.

As you finally distance yourself from this situation, be on the look out for a few things.  The ‘apology’ phase!  This is where they will flood you with apologies for anything and everything!  They will grasp at every opportunity to appeal to your forgiving nature!  They will apologize for not appreciating you, not understanding your heaping plateful of responsibility, etc.  Another one to watch out for is the ‘flattery’.  They may attempt to flatter you beyond belief, claiming to finally see you as the special and wonderful person you really are.  Lastly, be on the look out for the ‘promises of a lifetime’.  They may even go so far as to start making exaggerated promises, such as trips, vacations, outings with the kids, etc.  Anywhere that you could not afford to take the kids on your own!

Do not fear, once they have pulled out all of the stops and tried everything they can think of, and still not gotten their way, they will return to their angry, hurtful nature and begin to belittle you once again.  Thus, proving that they are by no means the man for you!  Move on girlfriend!

For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.  [Jeremiah 29:11]

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Resources:

According to Education Wife Assault, the common tactics of emotional abuse are:

* Isolate a woman from her friends, family, cultural or faith community, care providers, and prevent her from having independent activities such as work, English as a Second Language classes or other education;

* Act overly jealous or possessive; accuse a woman of having affairs if she talks to another man; coerce her into sexual activity to prove her love;

* Criticize a woman constantly - her actions, size and appearance, and abilities;

* Use a woman’s disability or deafness to demean or control her;

* Threaten, intimidate, harass, or punish a woman if she does not comply with her abusive partner’s demands;

* Use the children to control a woman, for example undermine her authority as a parent or threaten to take them if she should leave;

* Make all of the decisions in the family, withhold information and refuse to consult her or about important matters such as where they live, or the family’s finances;

* Control the money - what is spent, how it is spent, not allow a woman access to financial resources, or conversely not contribute to any of the household expenses.

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

http://www.helpguide.org/

http://www.ndvh.org/